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Candy coated cyanide, in arsenic flavored pain. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Ich kann nicht mehr.

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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2011|09:56 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |Blanket Burrito. Living Room, My Apt. Nashua, NH]
[Mood |disappointedirked]
[Music |Akira Yamaoka - "Wounded Warsong"]

So, the RepoMan came and went..

ByeBye car.

I don't even know if I want you back.

Going to bed. Fuck it.

That is all

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2011|12:10 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |My Filthy Hobbel]
[Mood |dirtydirty]
[Music |Goldfrapp - "Rocket"]

Down in the dumbs.. I'm not okay.

Side note, construction workers been doing their thing at the end of my road for almost a month straight now. Working up on the roads or plumbing I suppose..

Went to bed at 2am last night.

Couldn't sleep. Too many things weighing on my shoulders and mind. Gears and wheels a-whirling... I just want it to stop, I just want things to make sense. Why are there a million roads that lead to nowhere. But one doesn't see it till it's to late, and they've stepped off the ledge.

Construction workers started at 6am. Oh how lovely. Jack hammering, digging, use of a crane, and a dump truck.. Fuck. They usually work till noon, take a lunch break, and then continue till about 4pm or so...

Every other time the waters been on. So why not friction say something! Isnt it a required law that they have to inform you? Because I did not see any sign stating that they were turning off my water.. And i know it's not my fault. So it will probably be off all day. When I really need to do dishes..

Although that's my fault. I really shoulda done them yesterday.. Bu lately when I'm down in the dumps.. I can't find myself doing anything. I don't want to, I can't... I get so depressed that my whole body shuts down now. I Can't face anything. It hurts to talk to anyone. I just stop it. And I don't even care anymore.

I have my semi good days. Where I do things, try to be productive.. Motivated. But then thhe lack of response from everyone else, jobs and the such, just make everything worse. As I slip farther down this rut.. I have to laugh at myself for I know how I sound. I really am a complete mess right now..

anyone have a happy thought they can share?

That is all

.filth
Link2 Cut me deep|Leave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 27th, 2011|10:48 am]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |My Place: Nashua, NH]
[Mood |soreheadache]
[Music |Bring Me The Horizon - "Diamonds Aren't Forever"]

Why are my eyes pulsating through my eye sockets into my head..

I really wanted to go in an adventure today..

That is all.

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 22nd, 2011|10:48 am]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |Jimbobwayz Casa: Nashua, NH]
[Mood |soresore]
[Music |Rain]

One point five hours.. Walking nonstop

Five miles total..

Bad idea in wearing boots. Couldn't find my sneaks. Decided against my slippers, cuz they fucked my feet last time. When really, I shoulda just stayed with those.. Because the boots- were such a bad idea.

Both feet each have four to six blisters the size of quarters and half dollars :( plus a massive blood blister, never seen one this bad. Aha. Owwies

Now I'm all gimpy and hobbling everywhere.

Not smart Filth, not smart.

That is all

.filth
Link1 Cut me deep|Leave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 18th, 2011|04:18 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |My Hole, bathroom. Nashua, NH]
[Mood |draineddrained]
[Music |CocoRosie - "Raphael"]

Been painting my nails lately. Just that bored I guess. One thing though, I am so bad at waiting to air dry.. Like I think each and every time, that i think i can wait patiently and not touch anything. Ha ya right, guess not so much. Each end result is always smudges and streaks of polish. So sad. Start again!

Went to the mall with Arik yesterday. Yep haven't seen him in forever, and like always it's as if things always were. Nothing ever was wrong.. Ugh. Although secretly it could also be that no one else would go with him.. For he had a date?

How my mind is such a spaz with words right now.. iPads really aren't that easy with things.

But while at the mall he got his haircut. This lil place in the mall, had a huge selection of nail polish. And i found one I absolutely love. It's a pale jade-teal color. I turn it upside down to look at the name. Because they're always a frickin hoot. This perticular one is called Mermaid Tears!! Talk about awesome. Alas I didn't impuls buy it.. Because there is not even room for implus buys. Nothing anymore. Not even for bills. Ugh. Didn't even five finger. Good girl Filth. Whatever..

I hope it's a color they cary for a while longer, it's so brilliant.

Wlph, I'm gonna go take off this drab brittle smudged purple. Which is called Eggplant Frost, aha to the name. Then I shall attempt a steady hand and apply Turquoise, no so cool name. But a teal snazzy sissta color. Wish me luck

That is all

.filth
Link2 Cut me deep|Leave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2011|11:04 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |searching for questions to unknown answers]
[Mood |hungryhungry]
[Music |Dirty Vegas - "All Or Nothing"]

Why does the gravel keep shifting between my feet..

It's hard to stay afloat. I wasn't taught how to fly..

The tiles are falling. One by one. Two by two.

My grip is failing.

What to do?
What to think?

Actions.
Decisions.

Brain and mind are gone now. All numb here

All dead here.

That is all

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2011|09:20 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |Jims Kitchen: Nashua NH]
[Mood |crazycrazy]
[Music |Jefferson Airplane - "White Rabbit"]

One pill makes you larger.
And one pill makes you small.
And the ones that mother gives you,
Don't do anything at all..
Go ask Alice,
When she's ten feet tall!

And if you go chasing rabbits..
And you know you're going to fall.
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice,
When she was just small.

When men on the chessboard,
Get up and tell you where to go.
And you've just had some kind of mushroom..
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice,
I think she'll know!

When logic and proportion..
Have fallen sloppy dead.
And the White Knight is talking backwards!
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head..
Feed your head.
Feed your head!"


That is all

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Aug. 27th, 2011|10:21 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |Hermit Hole]
[Mood |distresseddistressed]
[Music |SSDD]

You can't joke the joker.

That is all

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2011|06:44 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Mood |anxiousanxious]

My dreams as of late are beginning to worry me. They're even more vivid, which is something to say considering how intense they normally are.. But they are becoming more wild.. More colorful. More potent.

The worst thing in the world is waking up from a night terror and not even knowing your own bed. Your own safe spot, your own home.. Being alone. Scared shitless and panicked.

Breathe.

It's only a dream..
It's only a dream...

That is all

.filth
LinkLeave me scars

(no subject) [Aug. 21st, 2011|03:25 pm]
Ich kann nicht mehr.
[Location |Hell]
[Mood |cynicalcynical]
[Music |Silent Hill - "Walk on Vanity Ruins"]

Why does most of this world take pride in making me feel like shit? As if it actually enjoys what it does, what it's doing.. As it bottles up my tears and frustrations. Labeling each with a date and time, following by placing them one by one up on some shelved storage compartment. In a dark and rusted enclosed room..

I hate the waiting game. There is nothing remotely fun about it.

I had said plans with a person last night. I waited 3 hours after the hour we were suppose to chill.. Called a few times, got ignored. Called once more as a last attempt, and its usually within that last attempt that the said person answers.. Always.

When they did they apologized, saying they had somehow fallen asleep awhile playing video games. Was trying to find the energy to come over in the first place.. If you were that tired, why even bother in trying to chill? There's no point in that. Just go to bed.. I understand that.

Except he kept stating things about trying to find the energy and wanting to chill. Yadda yadda.. So he said he was sadly going to just go back to bed. For now it was way to late to even try in chilling.. This again, I understand.. So we made plans for early in the morning tomorrow. For he was to do yard work and cleaning all throughout the house. And although I would like to not partake in it, he asked. Which I said yes too. I don't mind helping out... Not my favorite thing to do, but its simple.

So roll around to 8.30am today.. I wake up, do my thing.. Wait. Try calling said person. Nothing. Few hours later, call again - nothing still.. I go about my business, cleaning my own apartment. Playing with my kittykat MagPie.. Waiting

Every few hours I'd call his cellular. Dead. So I'd call the house phone. Left many messages. Called many times.. Are you ignoring me? Are you even awake? Are you even working? Did you even still want me over to help? Or did you make other plans completely forgetting again...?

If you couldn't guess. I'm still waiting.. Now that it's 3.16pm... That's about a 7 hour difference!!

Luckily I tried one last time a few minutes ago. And what luck, some magical bunny plugged in his cellular. And that same magical bunny even made him answer it..

Except that everything was already done. That he had other people over. And that he was now planning on going to chill with THAT said person who helped him.. He didn't even seem to care that he ditched me, failed to call, and failed to let me know that I didn't even need to wait for him.. Seven hours later and it's nothing to him.. I mean nothing to him.

So frustrating. I tried wording my voice. But that never goes right. It always fails. He never understands.. More so since I wasn't here, so why am I even complaining? And that I don't matter. That it shouldn't matter, nothing should.. According to him.

AND, what's even better... Is that if I want to hang out with him now. I have to wait even longer. Since he has now new plans. That he'll supposedly call once he gets back. Not, hey wanna come along? No it's: if you wanna chill later on, I'll let you know..

Again I tried voicing myself.. As in, how long will this now take? Will I even see you at all today? Did you even want to chill in the first place? Why would you let me wait that long...? But it all falls on unheard ears. He just wants to get off the phone. He just wants to go and do his thing. He just wants me to shut up.. So he'll just say anything. Including the whole goodbyes repeating itself so that no one can even put in two more cents, so that he can just hangup..

I don't know. I'm completely crushed right now.. I truly hate the waiting game..

That is all.

.filth
Link4 Cut me deep|Leave me scars

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